He had a broad face and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself…
Santa Claus. What’s not to love? Who doesn’t want a belly that jiggles like a bowl full of jelly? Chubby and plump = jolly? Well, let’s get started then.
The following techniques will guarantee weight gain. Yes — weight gain! Decades of research substantiate these holiday weight gain strategies. You will look more like Santa before you can say, “Merry Christmas”. Won’t this be fun!
How do we make this ‘gaining weight over the holidays’ plan happen? Pay close attention. Follow these tried and tested tips carefully. You will achieve your goal of being stuffed, puffed, uncomfortable, stressed out, guilty and really annoyed with yourself in no time.
Sure-fire Ways to Turn Your Fear of Gaining Weight Into a Reality
- Maintain a frantic holiday pace. Busy, busy, busy! No time for sensible food choices. No time for regular exercise. Too much to do.
- Dig out those larger sized clothes again. Don’t forget the pants with the stretchy waistband.
- Tell yourself “Oh, Thanksgiving and Christmas come just once a year.” Ignore the fact that most people gain 10 pounds over the next 6 weeks.
- Planning ahead is for wimps. Don’t bother with being prepared for this season. You have a will of steel to resist and forgo all goodies!
- Skip regular meals often. Your blood sugar will drop and you’ll be starving at every gathering so you can consume an over abundance of calories.
- Always take ‘some of everything’ even if it’s a dish you’re not especially fond of. And remember, you’re a charter member of the ‘Clean Your Plate Club’. Don’t leave anything on your plate. You don’t want to disappoint the other club members.
- Avoid saying “No thank you, the first piece was just right”. Instead, practice saying, “Yes please, I’ll have another helping of that”.
- Avoid vegetables. No fresh veggies or vegetable salads. Too healthy. Only the richest fair is allowed on your plate at holiday festivities.
- Eat as fast as humanly possible. After all, you have only 20 minutes for your brain to get the ‘I’m full’ signal. You wouldn’t want to waste that time enjoying your food. Antacids at the ready!
- This is the perfect time to be a couch potato. Immediately park your derriere in a comfy spot after every big meal. A walk around the neighborhood would break with tradition!
- Emotional stress? Forget about relaxing or seeking out a friend when you feel lonely, tired, anxious, bummed out, angry, or overwhelmed. Just eat!
- Never say, “Merry Christmas”. For heaven’s sake, that would be politically incorrect. Be a Grinch. This will effectively shrink the size of your generous heart.
- Focus on your weight, appearance, and yourself most of all. People, relationships, fellowship and socializing would distract from obsessing on your body image.
- Let guilt be your guide. What’s a season of joy without a heaping helping of guilt!
- New Year’s resolutions are for weight loss, right? Everyone knows you gain weight during the holidays, you lose weight next year.
Yep. That’s how you gain weight over the holidays.
Thanks for indulging my slightly sarcastic side. I truly hope you’re smiling and not frowning right now. (Or worse, writing me a chastising comment). I figured it was about time to lighten up this yearly topic.
Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can. Elsa Maxwell
Are you Santaclaustrophobic? Do you fear looking like Santa Claus after Christmas?
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So, where’s the real advice? How NOT to gain weight? Simple. Take the above list and do the opposite. You can turn around any one of these ‘backward tips’ into a serious action plan. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
Don’t worry about gaining weight. Don’t force the joy out of the season by over thinking it. Set a small, reasonable weight management goal and act on it. Be realistic. Make it personal and meaningful to you.
Try this. Pick one strategy from the above list that caused a “Yikes, that’s me!” reaction. (Yes, one). For example, #9. Maybe you really do eat too fast. Turn this around to read: I can eat slowly and enjoy every tasty bite. You now have a small, reasonable, personal goal. Commit it to memory. Put a reminder note on your iPhone. Write it on the back of your hand, if necessary. Practice slowing down and savoring the food, every time you eat.
Now, there’s a plan you can get serious about.
To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity. William Arthur Ward